This year makes 5 years I’ve been training in Budo Taijutsu. I’m currently a 6th kyu. I don’t know shit, and if I thought I did, I really don’t know shit.
I’m at a crux in my training.
I’ve had two badass, amazing senseis that have instilled some really scary shit into me. When Soke said that this is a “killing art,” he was serious. I’m always impressed with the ability of my teachers to use the minimal amount of force to achieve an incredible amount of power.
Distance. Angle. Timing.
Here is/are my problem(s):
Lately, it has been just me and one teacher training. We’re each others only uke and tori.
I freeze up a lot when I train with him. He’s an intimidating 6’7 and he knows how to play pressure points like a piano. Plus, I’ve hurt him more times than I can count by accident, because of my tendency to bash and be extra “fighty” for no reason, other than that I am an ogre.
I have to cultivate the warrior’s spirit. My problem is within my heart. It is fear that is holding me back right now. Sensei says, “we do not live in the shadow of fear.” I’ve got to break free of it. I cannot be intimidated by the size of my sensei. I need to lower my stance to take his balance and flow. I think too much about the technique instead of flowing through it. This has been going on for weeks. I wasn’t freezing up as much when my other teacher was there. He’s smaller and more nimble. I can beat up on him a bit more. But I’m just making excuses at this point and need to shut the fuck up and train.
There’s no participation trophies to be gained. Anything I leave with and retain in my heart and have use of when in need of it is the only thing that matters. A belt color won’t save your life. To be honest, I have to start being harder on myself during class. But that begins with not overanalyzing every waza in my thoughts instead of flowing through it.